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It happened in...

July





Cricket latest

MON 31 JULY

Second test, Old Trafford: England 461-9d beat Pakistan 119 & 222 by an innings and 120 runs
Inside 3 days, too. A great performance - from Harmison and Panesar who took 19 wickets between them, and Cook and Bell who set up England's big total. It's been argued by various pundits that although Harmison is back on form, it was the pitch that made him so dangerous. Well, it was the same for both sides, and the pitch didn't seem to affect England too adversely. With Harmison at the head of the bowling, England showed a level of aggression that had been completely lacking in the first test, and Panesar bowled superbly at the other end providing such a contrast, the tourists weren't sure how to handle him either. Looking forward to Headingley.

If you go down to the woods today!

FRI 28 JULY

In the forests of the mountains of Honshu there lives an insect I hope I never meet.

It's name is Vespa Mandarinia, and on a recent Discovery channel documentary, Masato Ono, an entomologist from Tokyo's Tamagawa University, described the sensation of being stung by one as "like a hot nail through my leg. It is a pain that you can never imagine until you have experienced it. It is profoundly shocking." (A few dozen people a year die from allergic reactions to the sting.) If that wasn't enough, it has a range of 60 miles which it can cover at up to 25mph.

It's the giant Asian hornet, and its name is no exaggeration.

It usually preys on honey bees, which are dwarves in comparison, and despite being vastly outnumbered, a handful of hornets is quite capable of taking out an entire colony of many tens of thousands of bees in a relentless attack that continues for hours and doesn't stop until the last bee has been decapitated - the hornet uses its massive jaws to grip the bee between the head and body and simply snips the head off, and can do this to about 40 bees in one minute. Then the hornets raid the hive for the bee larvae and transport them back to their own waiting offspring to devour.

The larvae then produce a clear liquid which feeds the adult, and this liquid is high-octane, high-energy stuff. The experts, like Mr Ono, call it 'vespa amino acid mixture', or VAAM. Yay - Giant Hornets on Crack! Just what every picnic needs.

Meanwhile, someone has seen an opportunity. The Japanese, who are invariably 'very busy', have a rather unhealthy obsession with legal and illegal stimulants. On the legal side are the ubiquitous energy drinks available at every supermarket and drugstore, which deliver a quick overdose of caffeine and sugar syrup, and act as a superb substitute for sleep and food.

So now, with extracts of hornet larva excretions (yum), there is VAAM - the drink. Yes, finally someone is doing something to address the criminally neglected gap in the market for crack-based drinks. You'll notice it's available even in six-packs for Really Busy people.

Personally, I'd love some hornet juice, but unfortunately I'm too busy even to go to the shop and buy some.

How we laughed

THURS 27 JULY

Ah, Windows. Good for giving you a clear view. Good for letting the sun shine into your life. And also good for collapsing lifeless on your hard drive rendering all your precious data irretrievable.

Windows - Good for giving up, reinstalling and starting over again.

Rubbish advice

MON 24 JULY

I was watching the closing stages of The Open yesterday evening, and I was amazed by how many spectators at the course would, after an approach shot or a long putt, holler "Get in the hole!"

Are these numbskulls particular to golf, or do marathon spectators scream "Run!" and do Formula One fans shout "Drive faster than anyone else to the finish!"...?

And who has Chris DiMarco upset? I don't know whether we were watching syndicated BBC pictures, or the camera direction was the work of the Japanese networks, but while every player on the leaderboard got fair coverage throughout, not a single shot of DiMarco's was shown, even though he was permanently vying for the lead. I did glimpse him walking towards the 18th green, but not once with a club in his hand. Very odd.

Yes please

MON 24 JULY

It may not have the catchiest of names - Panasonic Viera TH-103PZ600 - but who needs a big name to attract attention...

When Japan goes digital, and I'm forced to go out and buy a gargantuan home cinema system, this'll be the one. So I'm going to start negotiating with my neighbour. You see, with a 103-inch screen, the ideal viewing distance is nearly 8m away, which will necessitate taking down the garden wall and putting it in her kitchen. The builders will be called in too, to reinforce her kitchen floor, as this thing weighs in at 322kg.

But it's not available until September, so I'll be avoiding immediate temptation, which is perhaps just as well as I can't quite lay my hands on ¥6,000,000 (£30,000) just at the moment.

For one night only

MON 24 JULY

Five weeks earlier than it did last year, our night-flowering cactus (which we 'established' last year might be a Lemaireocereus) is doing its secretive nocturnal thing again. It put out some huge buds last week, the first of which flowered last night into a pungent bloom as big as my hand.

Kirin Braumeister

SUN 23 JULY

It might be called Braumeister. Most of the front of the can may be written in German. ("Qualität ist unser Prinzip - Dreierlei Hopfen - ein Genuß", followed by some near enough German, in Gothic script no less!)

But don't believe the hype. This is 350ml of liquid disappointment. It's Japanese beer, and doesn't taste that different from every other industrial lager on the market.

I haven't yet worked out what it is about Japanese beer that, even in small quantities, imparts such a debilitating hangover. Whether canned and bottled stuff's packed with chemical additives, or whether bars don't clean out their draught lines often enough, or the fact that rice is included in the recipe...

As any German brewmaster will tell you, the only ingredients (according to Germany's Reinheitsgebot - purity law) should be water, malt, hops and yeast. And yet the recipe for this new Kirin appears to be much the same as any other Japanese beer. Including the rice. So what quite is German about this beer is hard to fathom. The search continues.

It was 40 years ago today

SUN 23 JULY

Happy Ruby Wedding, Mum and Dad!

The Law of Entertainment

THURS 20 JULY

You're staring down at your tenth plate of yakisoba of the day and know that in a moment, you're going to have crack that face, the wide-eyed shocked expression (Edible food? Here? In an established restaurant?) and then murmur approval (in one of the two approved ways - "Oishiiii!" or "Umai!" - ad-libbing is not acceptable).

Then later this afternoon, just when you fancy a post-yakisoba snooze, you're going to have to sit on a panel show with a load of other well-known faces and overreact to a series of dull anecdotes.

After this, provided you've not been set up for a hi-lar-ious hidden camera prank, you might be allowed to go home.

It's all in a day's work for a Japanese tv celebrity (or tarento, as they're unfathomably called). But beware. There is a constant lurking danger to your glittering lifestyle. And that danger is... you.

Any belief that you are entitled to a private life should be left at the door, please. You are under the control of your agency. These tarento agencies in Japan are a small group of huge corporations with vast numbers of clients on their books, and as such have complete power not only over the celebs, but also over the tv schedules. Which faces appear on your screen has nothing to do with punter demand, and everything to do with who's 'in' at the agency this week. And there are so many ways to fall 'out'.

If you're among the top ranks of celebs (and let's face it, a man) and you commit 'an indiscretion', like perhaps punch a researcher in the face (as Shimada Shinsuke did a couple of years ago - the researcher, a woman, apparently didn't use respectful enough language when asking him a question), you'll probably have to make an apology (with tears) in front of the cameras, your top-rated shows will be taken away from you and you'll be put on garden leave for 6 months. Once your sentence is finished, you can return with your sins cleansed.

If however you don't exercise such power (or in other words, are a woman), you're only ever hanging by a thread. As was demonstrated this week by actress Akiko Yada, who was caught by paparazzi on a trip to Hawaii with 'bad boy' actor Manabu Oshio. By this act of association alone, Yada is seen to have 'sullied her image', and the resulting scandal means her sponsors have immediately cancelled her commercial contracts, prompting gossip column twitchers to speculate that her acting career is also over unless she ends the relationship.

And so is justice administered in the ultra-conservative world of double standards that is Japanese entertainment.

KitKat latest

WEDS 19 JULY

New KitKats are a bit thin on the ground during the summer. It seems that as the mercury nudges towards 40, some people (though I've never met anyone who'd admit to it) just don't want to eat chocolate. I know. Imagine.

So instead of testing the latest flavours, I'm instead buying up all the alternative packaging. A bit lame, but you have to feed the addiction somehow.

So this is KitKat Petit. Same delicious KitKat, but presented in pieces for people who are too lazy to bite it for themselves, possibly. I dare say you could achieve the same effect by cutting up a regular KitKat with a very sharp knife and wrapping the resultant bits in tin foil. Though why you'd bother is another question entirely.

Another bloody film review

WEDS 19 JULY

Nihon Chinbotsu (The Sinking of Japan) - [blah blah the usual gubbins about SPOILERS]

The "sinking" of Japan? Is this 'Japan the warship'? Or perhaps a figurative reference to the Japanese economy? No! This is a disaster movie with ambition!

The basic premise (which is utterly preposterous, but let's get over that now) is that the tectonic plate that Japan is on is getting sucked under the Pacific plate (that's 'subduction', by all accounts) and by some extremely dodgy geological theory, the whole process becomes unexpectedly accelerated and Japan is going to be destroyed within a year. As the plate is tugged, the country tears itself apart with catastrophic earthquakes, and volcanoes going off right, left and centre.

This is a remake of the 1973 film which dramatised the Sakyo Komatsu novel of the same year, and is a CGI-lover's feast - it's the end of the world as Japan knows it!

Where the original apparently concentrated on the progress of the destruction, the new movie gives equal weight to the relationships of the characters and how they develop through the disaster. If your experience of Japanese acting is limited to j-tv, you'll be relieved that this is done with limited schmaltz. SMAPster Kusanagi Tsuyoshi and singer Shibasaki Kou are surprisingly good (to me) in the central roles, as is Toyokawa Etsushi as the essential tortured 'maverick scientist', and Daichi Mao takes control as an excellent PM (a female PM in Old Man Japan! Very progressive. A few days before the country's to be destroyed) when her predecessor is blown to smithereens when Kumamoto-ken's very own super-volcano Mount Aso explodes as his air entourage is flying over.

And from then on in, there's no escape. Every landmark cops it. Coastal areas succumb to massive tsunamis, and whatever isn't shaken to the ground burns to the ground. Moments after the erstwhile PM (who in artful silhouette looks remarkably similar to a certain Mr Koizumi) is vapourised, Kumamoto castle is reduced to matchwood under a hail of giant molten rocks from Aso. Sakurajima in Kagoshima goes into full flow. And as the Kanto region is rocked by repeated off-the-scale quakes, Fuji blows too. Every volcanic peak in the country sees action. Every city is reduced to smouldering ruins. Except the ones, notably Osaka, which end up under hundreds of metres of water.

Wherever you live in Japan, chances are you'll see it spectacularly destroyed. And on a big screen? You can't argue with that, can you. None of it bears close examination, but that's not why you go to see a grand disaster movie, is it. Go on. Take a peek.

Been to the movies

SUN 16 JULY

Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest - Review will contain SPOILERS

Be under no illusions. This movie isn't even an Easter egg. When you buy an Easter egg, it looks good, it's beautifully decorated and presented. It's momentarily diverting. But beneath the surface, there's no substance. Your Easter egg is hollow.

This movie's less than that - imagine peeling the wrapper off your eagerly-awaited and expensive Easter egg and finding that there isn't even any chocolate, just a voucher for NO MONEY OFF your next egg.

This is half a movie, folks. And by that I don't just mean that it's set up for a sequel. I mean "It's HALF a movie!" It doesn't finish, it just stops. It doesn't cleverly link storylines with the sequel. It sets up plotlines that it makes no effort to resolve. It raises questions that are never answered. For all will be revealed in part three. Which you'll also have to pay for.

By the end of the movie, are Will and Elizabeth still under arrest? What of Will's deal with Beckett to get hold of Jack's compass? What has happened to Governer Swann? Was he arrested? Imprisoned? Killed? What of Will's seething and unspoken jealousy? How did Norrington get hold of the heart? What does Beckett intend to do with it? What sort of partnership do Norrington and Beckett now have?

When movie-goers have just spent good money and sat for two hours, it's not fair simply to say "All will be revealed in the next installment!" This movie does not stand alone, and will in future make no sense without the sequel. But at no point will you be told that this is only half the story.

If it wasn't for Johnny Depp's performance, this movie would have very little of merit at all. But even he doesn't perform with the enthusiasm of the first film, The Curse of the Black Pearl, of three years ago. Probably because the direction concentrates more, this time round, on the CGI swashbuckling and spectacular set pieces, and puts less emphasis on the performances and subtle comedy of the original.

I rather feel like I've been to a restaurant and paid for a meal I won't get to eat until next year. When I'll have to pay again for the pleasure. Not happy, people. Not happy at all.

KitKat latest

THURS 13 JULY

Tokyo. Sounds pretty exotic to me, too. We live nearer Korea, even China, than we do Tokyo. I care little for Tokyo. Mrs C, who claims to be Japanese, and her passport appears to confirm this, hasn't even been there. I gather from those in the know that it's an overly large, expensive city full of far too many people, so I've been in no hurry to visit it myself. I probably will one day.

However, if the good in Tokyo can come to me, rather than the other way round, then so much the better. That arrangement suits me down to the ground. For there are some things that can only be got hold of in Tokyo.

And yesterday, I was given one of Tokyo's finest offerings by Nakao-san (he of Christmas party theatre fame), who has now been installed as official "Favourite Student". For while he returned from a trip to the capital with regular omiyage for my colleagues, for me there was... KitKat Exotic Tokyo. I was, and remain, lost for words. For this is no run-of-the-mill KitKat. This, my friends, is a presentation boxed set available only to those who travel through Haneda. KitKat has gone posh.

And it's not just about the presentation. The KitKat itself is a delicious plain chocolate, with a ripple of raspberry running through the wafers. No guzzling these ones - they will be strictly rationed. Hands off.

Today's lesson: Not all dreams come true

WEDS 12 JULY

In the battle of Good against Evil, it's usually quite straightforward - you pick a side and root for them. But much of the media covering the World Cup seems a little confused about which side is which.

First there was The War of Don Carvalho's Nether Parts. The perpetrator of the act (that was Wayne Rooney, for those who may have forgotten) got away relatively scot-free while the protestor experienced the landslide of the slipping moral high ground as it came down on top of him. Some of us were left thoroughly confused as to who we should have been chasing with our flaming torches.

Then of course Mad Marco Materrazzi was the butt of Zizou's last joke. The one about the 'high-speed close-up of the top of my head'. We all sat stunned (though not screaming and writhing on the floor). Why on earth did he do that?

The day after, Zidane was rightly castigated all round. But the obituary writers were putting a different slant on the matter. They were of the opinion that in one moment, Zidane had lost his place in the Hall of Fame, as if the kids in the banlieues would stop loving him, like this would be our abiding memory of him (in which case the refusal of the media to let up would be the sole reason).

And maybe that is why they were so uniformly self-righteously damning - because Zizou had ruined their dream.

They'd written their editorials already, hopeful of an easy end to the weekend. A great career, capped by a splendid last performance, and all topped, with any luck, with a photo of captain Zidane lifting the World Cup for a second time. Well that idea quickly went in another direction and perhaps it was the fact that so many journalists would actually have to be at their desks early on Monday morning that they threw him to the dogs.

And they badly misjudged public reaction. Zidane was welcomed back in France as a hero - not for his last act, but for all that had preceded it. This is what we call "perspective". Sure there will be some sort of penance, but then it will be forgotten.

It's perhaps fitting that such a wildly unpredictable act was met by such a wildly unpredictable press reaction. Remember of course that the British press has even forgiven Diego Maradona, a man who not only cheated at the highest level, but also later said that cheating's OK in some circumstances and even appended the name of God to it. If they can forgive that little collection of sins and still include him in lists of The Greats without apparent irony, you'd think they'd forgive one of the most gifted of modern footballers for doing what so many of us would love to do, namely stick one on Materazzi.

And perhaps forgiveness came quickly. Or was it confusion? By the next day, once all the moral obligations were out of the way, attention switched to bad boy Materazzi. What had he said? Did it involve the words 'mother' or 'terrorist'? Well, as Zidane is remaining tight-lipped, and Materazzi is full of verbal diarrhoea, I guess we'll have to wait for the FIFA investigation if we want that morbid curiosity sated.

And so Zidane is to speak to a press conference this evening French time. I may be proven wrong come tomorrow morning, but I expect that it'll be more about contrition than accusation. Don't expect to find out the nature of the provocation. But expect to hear a man apologise for the appalling example he set and for disappointing so many who'd invested so much in him. And expect them to forgive him, because contrary to early press reports, this isn't the end of the world. Nothing's broken, not even Materazzi's ribcage. It just didn't go the way many had hoped. Well ain't that life.

More ice cream, nurse!

WEDS 12 JULY

So 35° and high humidity outside to air-conditioned refrigeration inside. From one to the other. Repeat many times a day, and what do you get? You get ill.

These days I wake up long before the alarm as the temperature on the top floor of the house climbs towards 40°. But imagine waking up in that with a fever.

Take me to the cool mountain tops, and roll me in snow.

I know you're gonna dig dis

SUN 09 JULY

Here at the Overoften Technocomplex, we like to be at the bleeding edge of latest developments. To this end, the site now has voicemail.

You heard me. Those who love their gadgets will understand when I say I just couldn't help myself. And after a minimally painful installation (swearing - little: broken things - none), it all seems to up and running. And provided you've got your mic handy, it's dead simple to use. Just press the 'Talk to Overoften' button, wait for stuff and things and then start chatting. If you mess it up, just start over again. Then when it's a two-minute (or less) piece of perfection, press send.

Long or short, love or abuse, coherent or otherwise - all messages welcome!

Eco-friendly, or something more sinister?

SUN 09 JULY

A week or two ago, returning home from an evening out, Mrs C and I noticed that certain streets out in the sticks had all their previously white streetlights replaced with oddly eerie blue ones.

Coming home last night, it seemed that whatever project is afoot, it's nearing completion, with nary a white one to be seen - outside the town, all are blue.

We've not heard anything official by way of explanation, nor spoken to anyone else who's spotted it yet. Theories range from eradication of light pollution (they're very low intensity) to rising subterranean periscopes of 'War of the Worlds'-type martians. Whichever theory proves closer to the truth, I'll report it as soon as I know it (assuming it's not the second one, in which case it might be a bit tricky).

Tanabata

SUN 09 JULY

July 7 is Tanabata in Japan - the festival is based on mythology which is explained here.

Aso Milk Farm this year put on a Tanabata attraction of its own - a Milky Way lightshow. The UV-lit path wanders around a stretch of the dairy grounds, giving the locals a great opportunity to spend an evening queuing for something. Once wishes have been written on tanzaku (usually strips of paper, but in this case, strips of the dairy's milk cartons) and tied on the bamboo poles, it's time to head for the stars.

Free tip: If you park under the only light for miles, this happens...

7/7

FRI 07 JULY

July 7 is an anniversary in England.

World Cup semi-finals

THURS 06 JULY

Well thank you Italy, for completely buggering my Fantasy World Cup bid, which hinged on Germany getting through to the final. Cheers for that. 2 goals in the last minute of extra time? Is there a more shattering way to get knocked out? Bad luck to the hosts.

The other semi-final, however, went exactly the way I'd been banking on.

Don't cry for me, Cristiano

So farewell Ronaldo. Don't slam the door.
Your welcome's outstayed, your acting's been poor,
Your scowling, your whining, your tumbling to the floor,
Not in this World Cup. Not any more.


Enough's enough

WEDS 05 JULY

Getting a bit bored with the heavy rain motif running through the story of the last fortnight.

Last night was more like a typhoon. Except with a thunder and lightning show thrown in at no extra cost. The howling wind was already shaking the house when we went to bed, and the rain had been streaming through the living room ceiling into a strategically placed bucket for some time already. So when the neighbours' house was struck by lightning (possibly the loudest noise I've ever heard in my life), I can't say that it woke me up as I was struggling to nod off, as you might imagine. The cat took some calming down, though, having made the split-second decision that it no longer wanted to brave it downstairs. Although I can speak Cat, it's limited to "So you want some food, eh?" and "Get off the bloody table", so I really struggled with "It's caused by the attraction between positive and negative charges in the atmosphere resulting in the build-up and discharge of electrical energy," and opted instead for "Daijyoubu Mi-chan... Daijyoubu yo." Which seemed to do the trick.

And it was all still happening when the alarm went off.

Just a relaxing evening in

TUES 04 JULY

I can't hear myself type! Just like last Monday, the 'big rain' is hammering into the house on all sides, it seems. A weather warning just flashed up on the TV screen, informing us that Mashiki and Aso are going to be copping a good 'un. And so we are. The rain's so loud, Mrs C's got the TV turned up to pensioner level (so Hosoki Kazuko sounds even scarier than normal), having already turned it up to hear it over the sewing machine. I wonder if there's a beer in the fridge...

Oh, and there's a nice big typhoon brewing in the Pacific, which if it lasts could hit us at the weekend.

Eee, ah luv a bit of peace 'n quiet, me.

Edit: There is indeed beer in the fridge. And a KitKat for later. The Gods are smiling on me.

What is it about dog-owners...!

TUES 04 JULY

We've seen before the awful indignities that pet owners are wont to inflict on their long-suffering animals in the name of 'kawaii'.

Spare a thought then for Koichi, the Welsh Corgi. For Koichi is MASKDOG. Not only does Koichi have his own site, he also has, needless to say, a stunning range of masks (my personal favourite being the rather special Darth Maul). In keeping with the theme of masks, Koichi's owner never reveals him- or herself, probably for fear of repercussions.

It appears that Koichi is also a member of the JMA - the Japan Maskdog Association. Although, as Jamie sagely points out, the JMA only appears to have the one member.

How to celebrate Independence Day

TUES 04 JULY

Happy 4th of July to American readers! I wonder if you'll be celebrating like Japan's Takeru Kobayashi, who for the sixth year running will be attempting to become the world's biggest professional glutton. Folks, we're talking 'competitive eating' (of which there is an international federation. Seriously. Click it.) For Coney Island today hosts the annual July 4 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.

It's quite astonishing how seriously these people take it. Simon Noble of Pinnacle Sports (sorry... 'sports'?!), who evidently has serious perspective issues, goes as far as to say, "When people discuss individual dominance in sports they usually mention Lance Armstrong's seven Tour de France titles or Tiger Woods 10 major championships, but Kobayashi's consecutive win streak at Coney Island is equally impressive." Yeah, inhaling hotdogs faster than the next guy is easily as worthy of respect as overcoming cancer and winning the world's most gruelling cycle race seven times. Idiots.

Gumming up smelling of roses

SUN 02 JULY

Regular readers will know that 'Japanese deodorant' is an oxymoron. Expensive, short-lived and largely pointless. Which is why my Red Cross agent sends over truckloads of Right Guard, which is less than half the price and lasts five times longer.

Well help is at hand, because here's a futuristic-sounding idea from cosmetics company Kanebo - perfume gum. Yes, chewing on Kanebo's Otoko Kaoru ('Man scent') Rose Menthol gum will make you smell you like a rose.

Now, I missed the survey that showed that women are overwhelmingly in favour of their men smelling like flowers, but I'll trust Kanebo did the sociology before they did the science, because huge Japanese corporations are not in the habit of wasting huge amounts of time and money (at all).

I wondered why Kanebo would choose the rather sickly rose as the scent of choice rather than something a little less Bournemouth bingo hall, but here comes the science - "The fragrant component [is] geraniol, which is found in roses. According to Kanebo's food research laboratory, the component is emitted from sweat glands easily, in much the same way as garlic and alcohol."

I can't help but wonder also if this is one of those accidental discoveries, a product with an unforeseen and undesirable side-effect which the producer is now brazenly trying to punt as a plus. The irony is that Kanebo's press release states that "the gum is aimed at men between their 20s and 50s who are worried about body odors and scents." And encouraging them to smell like roses is going to help, is it?

It should come as no surprise

SUN 02 JULY

Another quarter-final, another red card, more penalties, leaving the party early again. The only surprise was that after four abject performances, England best football only came to light after the sending off, to the extent that you'd never have guessed they were one man down. But there was a sense of inevitability when the final whistle went on extra time. Never having won a shoot-out at the World Cup, but without Owen, Rooney or Beckham?

Throughout this World Cup, and before, England's midfield didn't fire, so quite what the point of playing a single striker is, who can explain. In so many games, it just ensured a third of the pitch England didn't get to play in for large portions of the game. And now we say goodbye to Sven, and his peculiar formations, we pray that they were his invention and not certified McClaren designs. And we probably say goodbye to David Beckham too. Many will say he was kept too long, and that the glimpses that Lennon showed in his position illustrated what England really needed over on the right. But let's face it, without Beckham, England wouldn't even have met Portugal.

And of the sending off? Without doubt, Rooney needs to learn some self-control. A player that pumped up, either by adrenaline or by his own ego (and the sideshow about his holy relic of a metatarsal will have added to that), is useless to a team, and as Portugal showed, easy for the opponents to take advantage of. Having said that, I've yet to see a replay that clearly shows it was a deliberate tread on Ricardo Carvalho's cojones, particularly as most of the pitch around Rooney's feet was strewn with Portugal players desperately trying to mob him off the ball. Nor am I convinced it was for the push on Ronaldo, who appeared out of nowhere to demand his 'friend' be shown a red card.

And there, young Mr Ronaldo has made a grave error. Not only because Rooney is his club team-mate, but being that he's currently plying his trade in England, it's surprising that he's learned nothing from his time in the Premiership, even after the regular diving antics and petulance in a Manchester United shirt earned him nationwide brickbats. But there he was displaying the foulest development in modern football, namely players urging referees to issue cards. And issue it he did, leaving all the white shirted players slack-jawed in disbelief. Not Mr Ronaldo though, who was caught on international TV cameras strolling away with a happy nod and a not-so-subtle wink to the bench. Unlike some other cultures, nothing outrages the English more than underhandedness (while thugishness appears to be more acceptable and finds many more apologists), and no one English gets more vocally outraged than opposition football fans. Good luck next season, son. (Spurs manager Martin Jol says more on this in The Times.) As for Rooney, it will be interesting to see if he gets the same treatment that Beckham got after his '98 red card against Argentina.

But let's not allow outrage to blind us to the fact that England only started playing really well after that incident. It says a lot about Eriksson's England that they only cut loose with 10 against a good team, yet struggled for any fluency or flair against their four previous, lesser opponents. Where real world class sides relax against those lesser teams and still brush them aside, England tensed up, and struggled.

And so when the dust settles, Steve McClaren will build his first side aiming at qualifying for Euro 2008, with group games beginning in 3 months. Will Steven Gerrard be the new England captain, as he should have been long ago? Will Aaron Lennon get the right wing that he's earned? Will England be any more entertaining to watch?

Still cheap at half the price

SAT 01 JULY

I wondered why my colleague returned from a shopping trip with a bag containing something near a thousand cigarettes. And then I read that there's to be a "price hike" that will 'cripple' Japanese smokers. Yeah! Right in the pocket! Take that!

Until yesterday, 20 shots at cancer only cost you about ¥270 (that's about £1.35), but from today, prices will rocket to a hitherto unheard of ¥300. In a recent survey, 55.7% of smokers said they would consider giving up if prices rose to ¥500. Yeah, easy to say that when you have a cigarette in your hand (presumably that's how the surveyer pick the person out of the crowd). Let's see what really happens.

In that same survey, the new prices "are considered high by 85.7 percent of Japanese smokers", so it's always fun to tell them that a pack of 20 in England will currently set you back about ¥1,000 and just sit back and watch the eyes widen in disbelief. They can't believe there are any smokers left in Britain.

Come to think to think of it... nor can I.

That survey claims "tobacco price hikes help people stop smoking, as the ratio of smokers ... who said they will try to give up was much higher than the 11.9 percent in the previous study ... three years ago." Mm, whoever 'did the science' on that claim was obviously never a smoker. Saying that you 'will try to give up' and actually doing it are not the same thing. Or even close.

Portugal again

SAT 01 JULY

Casting your mind back almost exactly 2 years now... Do you remember that other quarter-final against Portugal? Do you?

If that wasn't mental torture with just a hint of physical pain too, then you weren't there, man...

Take all the precautions you can. Don't let it happen again.

First quarter-final

SAT 01 JULY

You're asking me to choose? OK, I choose Germany. And why? Well apart from the fact I rather like Germans, there's this. Ignoring for a moment that it's the 21st century, I didn't have any time for Michael Bolton, and I don't have any time for Argentina. Get yer 'air cut, son.





Back to June?