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It happened in...

May



Birds without Wings

WEDS 31 MAY

I've finally finished the latest Louis de Bernières novel after living with it for over two months. It's a wonderful book, ambitious in scale and unstinting in detail.

Readers who enjoyed Captain Corelli's Mandolin but were put off by the rather peculiar Mussolini interludes have similar obstacles to overcome here. While a novel set in Turkey at the fall of the Ottoman empire needs to include some historical and political background, I'm not sure that devoting an entire 22 chapters to Mustafa Kemal Atatürk was necessary. While it obviously puts the novel's events into a historical context, the passages concerned are considerably less colourful than the rest of the novel and get dryer as the book progresses until they become mere lists. Having said that, I found it an interesting primer in a passage of history I knew little about.

The remainder of the book though, which deals with the town of Eskibahce and its mixed population of christians and muslims, is beautiful and heartbreaking, as the area and its people fall victim to the Great War and then the fight for Turkish independence. Atrocities inflicted by both sides on each other is obviously a subject that has to be treated delicately and opened de Bernières up to accusations of partiality (mainly by those of doubtful impartiality themselves). I felt those to be unjustified however, having finished the book and not being left with any lingering sense of blame.

As an evocatively written story of a community at perhaps the most turbulent time in its history, it's not light reading. But it's immensely enjoyable and thought-provoking, and the massive cast of characters are great company.

Octopus balls

TUES 30 MAY

"Probably very difficult to locate," you're thinking.

Not as much as you'd think. I'm talking about takoyaki, people (tako = octopus, yaki = fried). That may still not be terribly helpful. So here's a recipe.

* 200g flour
* 2 eggs
* 450cc water
* some seaweed
* some katsuobushi (flakes of a dried bonito fillet)
* some lovely lumps of octopus

Make your batter, chuck in your octopus bits, cook it in your takoyaki pan (see right) and then you slather it in all sorts of sauces. Accompany with as much beer as you consider decent. Job's a good 'un.


Now for someone completely different

MON 29 MAY

I'm an alien. I'm a legal alien. I'm an Englishman in Ja-pan.

What's it like, I've been asked. Well, here's actual footage of me going to the supermarket.



1-0 to the Eng-ur-lund

SUN 28 MAY

2nd Test at Edgbaston, England 295 & 81-4 bt Sri Lanka 141 & 231 by 6 wkts
A win for England, another good century for Kevin Pietersen and another 'fentestic' interview, though he only said "good job" 3 times, "fentestic" twice and "contribution for the team" once. Still, well done anyway Kev.

Reasons not to learn Chinese

SAT 27 MAY

Japanese may have inherited the insanity of the Chinese writing system, but at least they didn't import "biang".

"Biang" contains 57 strokes and takes about a week to write. It's in everyday usage, in the name of a popular dish ("biang biang noodles"), and you'll only see it hand-written or painted as it's so complex that most computers can't display it, having to use phonetic equivalents instead.

Turn far right, and then far right again

SAT 27 MAY

OK kids, today we're going to play a guessing game. We're going to "Guess where Ze lives".

Ze said a couple of weeks ago, "I think I know what we're going to be for Halloween - Argentina, during the dictatorships! We've already taken the rights away from the many to protect ourselves from the few. Now all we have to do is put the military in charge of civilian posts."

What a thought!

"Can you say junta?"

So what do you think? Does Ze live in one of those crazy central or South American dictatorships that swap democratic elections for military coups every weekend? Or perhaps one of those little former Soviets all hyped up on nationalism and crack?

OK, some clues. First a man named Porter Goss resigned very quietly without explanation or questions after less than two years as head of that country's central intelligence agency, after a tenure that will only be remembered for the state in which the agency has been left - namely paranoid and dejected.

The new boy, who's going to instill discipline and order, presumably with lots of shouting and a big stick, is General Michael Hayden. To those who are perhaps a little nervous about the appointment, Bush described the General as a man "whose broad experience, dedication and expertise make him the right person to lead the CIA at this critical time." (You'll remember of course that the Pres said something similar on August 10, 2004, about predecessor Mr Goss - "He's the right man to lead this important agency at this critical moment in our nation's history.")

And anyway, the General "says he that will remain independent of the Pentagon". So that should settle any worries you might have.

"Winning the war on terror requires that America have the best intelligence possible," said Bush. Wait a second. Who said anything about winning? Wasn't the idea a perpetual state of 'war' to keep the people afraid and compliant? If winning were the intention, Bin Laden wouldn't still be enjoying the solitude, freedom, and wireless internet access of the eastern Afghan mountains.

After all, remember that "the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. This is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger." Now, where did I hear that?

This is actually very serious

WEDS 24 MAY


Extending your visa, part XVI: Somehow refraining from hurting civil servants

TUES 23 MAY

It's that time of year again, and the cerebrally underprivileged counter-jockeys we met last year haven't evolved any.

On 18 May last year, when I went to said office after having gone to extraordinary lengths to ensure I had everything I needed, this happened.

So to avoid the same bloodshed this year, we phoned them last week to enquire what additional information they feel like insisting on this year. "Only the forms you have, passport and gaijin card," we are informed. This sounded suspiciously simple, so being somewhat dubious, we double-checked this and got the same answer.

Still not entirely convinced, it was with a little trepidation that we turned up there this morning, to hand over the papers, and with Groundhog Day-like predictability, were asked...

"And the other documents...?"

Mrs C explained (in a worryingly loud and clear voice) the phone conversation we'd had, only to be told that we were missing not one, not two, but FIVE additional items. Which we must now go around to various places and round up. And pay for.

Whatever you're thinking of saying, don't.

A work of genius

MON 22 MAY

Imagine you took a regular Mini, and stretched it out into a limousine. But of course no one would undertake such a silly task ( except...)

A stretched choux cream bun, on the other hand, makes perfect sense. Filled not only with patissier's cream, but chocolate custard too, and available at a convenience store near you (except that when I say "you", I might mean "me").

The News (brought to you by the highest bidder)!

MON 22 MAY

We're stepping into the realm of London Tonight here. LT, for non-Londoners, is a much-derided ITV network programme dressed in the clothes of a news programme, but is really a trashy magazine with its over-reliance on phrases like 'special correspondent' and 'exclusive'. It's 'antics of (ITV) soap stars' and 'which movie star's in town pimping their new film' all the way.

The Japanese have been keeping their end up by dressing up commercials as award ceremonies to get them on the news. Basically, you take your product, prefix it with "Best..." and add "-ist", grab some likely looking celebs, alert the media and you're away.

First there was Best Jeanist, won countless times by pop superstar Ayumi 'caught in the headlights' Hamasaki (sponsored by Best-Jeans). Then there was Best Leathernist (sic), won last time by model Anna Tsuchiya (and sponsored by the Japan Tanners). There's also the Megane (Spectacles) Best Dresser (Best Glassesist/Spectaclist?) and last week, a trio of celebs was named Ms, Mr and Mrs Cotton USA (c'mon - 'Cottonist', surely?) by Cotton Council International in Tokyo (so why 'USA', I'm not sure), as they "personify the natural beauty and style of cotton."

These photo ops are generally well covered by the lower brow end of the news spectrum, including the breakfast programmes, where the virtues of the award winners are dutifully discussed at length.

Sometimes, they're less subtle, just a pretty face and a product. A case in point is when McDonald's launched a new Ebi (prawn) burger. They grabbed model Yuri Ebihara (known as Ebi-chan - you with me?) and had her pose.

So if this really is news, why is no one asking why this celeb is standing around in public being photographed showing off a McDonald's Ebiburger? And if it's just a commercial, WHAT'S IT DOING ON THE BLOODY NEWS?!

A fine pair

SUN 21 MAY

The 80s, the decade that taste and class forgot, were in Japan the Bubble Years when the country seemed to lose its collective financial mind. And it was this period above all in post war history that has cemented modern stereotypes of the country abroad. Tokyo is still insanely expensive, of course, but not so much more than, say, London.

And one example of the very worst excesses of those times that people like to quote so much is of stores selling melons for hundreds of pounds each. And I usually point out that this "doesn't happen any more".

Well hush my tongue. At the first auction of the melon season in Hokkaido on Wednesday, a local wholesaler and top nutter, Kajio Suzuki, bought a pair of 'famous Yubari melons' for a record ¥800,000. That's £4,000. But hey, he gets 2 for that price, so that's only £2,000 each.

Krazy Kajio says his company plans to sell the melons on the internet "to tell my customers that Hokkaido's tasty season will begin."

The breakdown of social order

SUN 21 MAY


So you think you know media hype

SAT 20 MAY

You know nothing. "Tony Blair (our Illustrious Leader be praised) is an honest politician" or "Big Brother XXVI, the new standard in reality tv excellence" or "Our socialism centered on the masses shall not perish is a rip-roaring rollercoaster of a book - thrilling, terrifying, erotic". All of these, although admittedly good attempts at hoodwinking the public and raising false hopes, all pale into insignificance when you read how Japan are being tipped for success at the forthcoming World Cup.

Now, let's get something straight from the off. I hope they do ok. I shall even shout for them, unless they somehow end up on the same pitch as England, in which case all niceties shall be unceremoniously dropped. And I realise that the Japanese public is very likely to collectively reach for the off button the moment Japan are knocked out of the competition, so the tv companies are having to build as much hype excitement as they can, and hope that some of the audience stays after the first round. But I'm not convinced about the lengths they're going to. And I'm not convinced that Japan's convinced this time either.

Japan are of course grouped with Croatia, Australia and perhaps most ominously, Brazil. And yet the Mainichi says that "soccer experts agree that Japan has got what it takes to get past its three Group F opponents". Though it sounds like they mean all 'soccer experts' worldwide (though of course no expert would use the dreaded word 'soccer'), it turns out they really mean Yasutaro Matsuki, Eijun Kiyokumo and Katsuhiko Hibino. If you're scratching your head, that's hardly surprising. They are, respectively, a commentator, a J1 team 'Total Advisor' (what?) and perhaps most preciously 'a soccer fan cum performer'. Authorities, indeed. And their tips?

JAPAN vs AUSTRALIA - "Expect a win," says the Total Advisor. The Fan cum Perfomer adds, "I want to see attacking soccer, with beautiful passing from the midfield, right through to classy shots for goals." No, Mr Hibino, Brazil's later.
JAPAN vs CROATIA - They're a little less optimistic here, expecting Croatia to come out of their opening game with Brazil nursing significant wounds.
JAPAN vs BRAZIL - "Japan has a more structured defense than even Brazil, so there's no need for despair," Kiyokumo says. Huh?
So the panel predicts at least (at least) 4 points. However, most Japanese footie fans I've spoken to are by now familiar with the words "Group of Certain Death".

A little light reading

FRI 19 MAY

Tokyo's Tokuma Shoten Publishing Company will today be releasing a book entitled Akuma no dansu (Devil's dance), a work claimed to be by Saddam Hussein. It's a first for Tokuma Shoten, with the book failing so far to find a publisher anywhere else in the world. They must be so proud.

Apparently finished the day before the allied invasion of Iraq (what very good timing), the book, written in Arabic, was translated by a Japanese journalist Itsuko Hirata, who apparently got the manuscript from one of Saddam's lawyers last year, after his eldest daughter, Raghad, had previously held on to it.

Now I know what you're thinking, but the publishers have been quick to point out that they in no way endorse the defeated dictator's views. Koichi Chikaraishi, a spokesman for Tokuma Shoten, said "We are not trying to speak for Hussein by publishing his book, but the story helps us understand the people of Iraq and how they think." Mm. I doubt that very much, seeing as, according to early reviews, "the novel revolves around a tribe living on the Euphrates river 1,500 years ago that succeeds in ousting an invading tribe through resistance" and is essentially "a metaphor for a Zionist-Christian plot against Arabs and Muslims."

Yeah. Inspiration of the People, and much along the lines of works by other oppressive dictators around the world, like for example the modest Saparmurat Niyazov of Turkmenistan (or Turkmenbashi the Great) who is taking it upon himself to rewrite the body of Turkmen literature. And the hero of most of his books is, somewhat unsurprisingly, him. Even Kim Jong Il, our friendly neighbour, has blessed us with literary outpourings with snappy titles like "Our socialism centered on the masses shall not perish" and for real culture vultures, "Opera: Talk to creative workers in the field of Art and Literature, September 4-6, 1974". Sounds jolly. Hie me to a bookshop! I must taste these literary sweetmeats!

The D* V*nc* C*de and all that

WEDS 17 MAY

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh. Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh. Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh.
Thank you.

It's been the subject of some of the least informed online discussion ever for the last three years. Now I'm being bombarded on all sides with marketing for the impending film. Every tv channel has a special on it. I can't take it any more and the bloody film hasn't even premiered yet.

So why am I not ignoring it? Why is this one getting under my skin? Well it's got nothing to do with the book. And it's got nothing to do with the author. I've not even read the book. The fact that not a single person I've met who's read it recommends it has influenced this decision. Most of them said that it's an average book, with a poor plot and laughable dialogue. The fact that it's one shaky conspiracy theory roughly stitched to another and so onwards in a fragile chain is by now no secret. But hey, it's just a novel. Right?

My despair for some people's ability to analyse and think took a mortal blow the day I walked out of the cinema after Oliver Stone's JFK to overhear a fellow movie-goer utter "Just confirms what I've always said..." to his companion, apparently labouring under the illusion that he'd just forked out to watch a documentary.

Knowing then that some folk can't separate fact from Hollywood, do movie-makers have a responsibility to address that issue? I'm particularly concerned as I live in a country where, as mentioned before, 'someone on telly' once said that you can't count in French and now everyone believes it. I don't want to have to start fielding questions on aspects of Christianity (because all Westerners are Christian scholars) that people have 'learned' from the D* V*nc* C*de.

But the single most infuriating aspect of the D* V*nc* C*de phenomenon is the calls from religious extremists, both christian and muslim, for the film to be banned. The christian fundies decry it as "blasphemy", though the laws of most countries that call themselves 'christian' have a secular, not religious basis, so what help they're expecting from the state, I'm not at all sure. Even more moderate voices are calling to their flock to boycott the movie. Meanwhile the extremists on the Islamic side condemned it as "insulting", and you know what happens when Islam gets slighted. But what is more sinister is that it's not just the film they're trying to silence, it's the notion of any form of discussion of religious belief. Surely their precious beliefs aren't so insecure that they have to fend off any form of questioning? Or perhaps Brown really has touched some nerves and overturned a few stones they'd prefer unturned. I doubt it, but it doesn't seem we'll get an open and frank discussion, just some good old stage outrage instead.

Cardinal Arinze, a chap in Rome, said this week that it was one of the "fundamental human rights - that we should be respected, our religious beliefs respected." Maybe so, but it seems to me it's a little rich to be playing the victim card when you're doing no more than attempting to recruit the law's help to crush any opposition. Very rich indeed.

If I was one of the flock that Arinze or any other of the clerics or imams was calling out to, I think I would be extremely insulted that they feel this film is a danger to my beliefs, or that they feel I am unable to think about these issues for myself. Most organised religions put more emphasis on listening than thinking, of course. But thinking's good, isn't it? What danger is there in thinking? Is this really the contempt in which the religious establishment hold their congregation?

The sports news

TUES 16 MAY

Come on then, let's get it over with. First the cricket. Through a combination of dropped catches and er... more dropped catches, England failed to make all their earlier hard work count in the first test against Sri Lanka which instead turned into a disappointing draw. Some fielding practice may be on the cards before the second test starts on the 25th at Edgbaston.

Brazil won the World Cup yesterday. More or less. Coach Parreira named a squad that throws England's into sharp focus. While England's... has been discussed elsewhere, Brazil have Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, Robinho, Adriano and Fred. Wait... Fred? "Random bloke from pub included in Brazil squad." Are they to drop health drink sponsors in favour of The Flamenco and Firkin?

Even with such passengers, it should be enough to get them through the group stages, and past Japan, who lost convincingly to Bulgaria (who themselves had days previously been battered 5-1 by Scotland) last week. Japan capped that display by then drawing 0-0 with Scotland on Saturday. Zico, the Japan manager, is obviously beginning to believe the meeja hype about his own team, saying that he just doesn't understand why they're not scoring at the moment, putting it down to a form of "constipation" that he hopes will be 'relieved' at the World Cup. Lovely. I have a better explanation for your scoreless draw with mighty Scotland, Mr Zico. You may be Brazilian, but your team... isn't.

And at Stamford Bridge, the Special One, masterly manager and incisive footballing tactician, Roman Abramovich, has announced that months of hard and careful scouting have turned up the little known German captain and German footballer of the year 2002, '03 and '05, Michael Ballack. And Chelsea've managed to tempt him to England with a mere £7million salary to solve the problem of their terrible lack of midfielders.

Gentlemen and players

MON 15 MAY

Professional sports stars on multi-million pound contracts are generally selfish, self-absorbed prima donnas, right? Against this sort of background, Hideki Matsui is a real star. Matsui, one of the top batters for the New York Yankees, is one of a handful of Japanese stars in American Major League Baseball, and since his transfer from Tokyo's Yomiuru Giants, he has made himself a favourite of the New York fans with his reliable hitting.

Until last week he had an unbroken playing streak of 518 MLB games, but including his career in Japan, the streak stretches back over more than 12 years and an astonishing 1768 games. Well that all ended in the game against the Boston Red Box on Thursday when Matsui slid in to meet a low catch, leaving TV viewers thinking "Ooh, a wrist shouldn't bend that way...". In a stoical style typical of Matsui, he walked off the field without histrionics, but with the incredible playing streak at an end, along with, perhaps, his season.

In a later press conference, Matsui gave a masterclass in rights and responsibilities to his less humble sporting brethren when he apologised for getting injured and letting down his teammates, as well as saying "I will do my best to fully recover and return to the field to help my team once again." Now that's class.

Cross purposes

SUN 14 MAY

A great moment from Test Match Special this evening.

Jonathan Agnew says he may be in trouble if England don't wrap up the test match today...
Jonathan Agnew: ...because we bought a huge joint for this evening. Oh well. It'll keep.
Mike Selvey: You can always smoke it tomorrow.

F.A. Cup final

SUN 14 MAY

Gerrard holds up the cup Liverpool 3 West Ham 3 (3-1 on penalties)
It was one of those rarest of things - an interesting FA Cup final. And yet for the most part, it was painful watching if you were a Liverpool fan. Outplayed for large parts of the game, bereft of ideas, it was a testament to Steven Gerrard almost alone that it went as far as extra time, and then to the safe hands, which had earlier been so unsure, of Pepe Reina that Liverpool made it through another penalty shoot-out.

Liverpool had only themselves to blame to be 2-0 down so early, with Jamie Carragher silencing our party with a clumsy own-goal, and then some poor Hyypia defending and poor control from Reina gifting West Ham a second. When Crouch had a header disallowed, though later replays showed he was level, it looked like there would be no way back in, but moments later in an almost identical set-up Cisse fired Liverpool back into it. Gerrard's first, ten minutes into the second brought Liverpool back into it, but when a Konchesky cross floated in over Reina's head, it was all to do again. And in what is becoming typical Liverpool style, and which must have kept Cardiff's cardiac wards busy, it was up to Gerrard to belt in an equaliser from a full 30 yards out in the very last minute of normal time.

If our host's neighbours hadn't been woken by then, they certainly would have been by the penalties. West Ham seemed to have taken too many hits, and Reina made up for earlier mistakes by keeping out three West Ham kicks, and it was bizarrely like 'that night in Istanbul' all over again.

Search, and ye shall find

SAT 13 MAY

When you've got an itch that needs scratching, where do you turn? To the internet of course. To your favourite search engine and see if your very specific needs can be met by any of the other millions of internet weirdos out there. So if your bizarre search terms, by some amazing coincidence, match my site then of course you're guided here. And this makes for entertaining reading in the site's stats. If you're not familiar with this sort of thing, I should perhaps point out that while I have used all of the following words, they haven't necessarily appeared in this order.

One (presumably) chap from (presumably) Birmingham wondered if the local prostitutes had websites, perhaps with a view to ordering one by email. So he was guided to my site by the term "whores in Edgbaston". Which was in disturbingly urgent capital letters.

Another fella had a hankering after wardrobe malfunctions of the rich and famous and came to us with the search "dress fell off". It's unclear whether he went on to do an image search, which would almost certainly have satisfied his needs far better.

The needs get even more specific though. Someone out there is looking for a "slutty Japanese news anchor" but he will have left empty-handed as his search turned up nothing titillating. Someone needs to refine their terms and search more intelligently.

And of course there are the weekly searches for "rubber catsuit". Seems everyone wants one. Or at least look at one.

It's not all seedy. My favourite search, which led more or less directly to this site, was "fantastic blog Kumamoto". Good to see that the search engines do what they're supposed to do.

Clueless in Hokkaido

FRI 12 MAY

I do like to point up instances of public crassness and stupidity. And because of this, the Japanese police and media often get it in the neck. In terms of sheer bone-headedness, these two groups appear to be blessed indeed.

So crank up the disbelief as I share with you a story from the Mainichi about a bear cub in Sapporo , Hokkaido. The gist of it being that a bear cub got separated from its mother and was found wandering and lost, and the police took it in for safe-keeping. Locals went off in search of the mother, and when they didn't find her, the police (and a camera crew) had a brainwave - and just took the cub back to where it was found, dumped it and walked away, smiling at what they seemed to think was their cunning and compassion. Incredibly, at no point did any of the police officers or any of the assembled journos appear to mention the words "abdication of responsibility" or "this is a stupid bloody idea".

The cub was of course found dead the next morning exactly where they'd dumped it.

Although the article mentions that "a local animal center plans to cremate the bear" and quotes the 'curator of the Noboribetsu Bear Park', it doesn't mention why the plods decided to abandon the helpless cub to its own devices and therefore certain death by dumping it back in the woods, rather than dumping it on the doorstep of the presumably safe haven of the rather promising-sounding Noboribetsu Bear Park.

But nobody seems to think that anything unavoidable has occurred and you'll notice that there's no tone of criticism in the Mainichi article, just plain reportage and resignation.

So did they get in touch with this Bear Park curator that the Mainichi quoted? Did someone there advise them to abandon the cub rather than bring it to them for safe-keeping, even if only temporary? Whatever the answers to those questions, the facts are clear - the Sapporo police took on a responsibility but then decided they couldn't be bothered. One can argue that this is nature at work and these things happen. But it was easier to help. And they didn't.

Wasei Eigo - answers

FRI 12 MAY

Some of these were guessed correctly, but here are all of them explained:
bottle keep - buying a bottle of spirits at a bar which is then kept there for you
cm - an advert ('commercial message')
g-pan - jeans, from the initial sound in 'jeans', plus 'pants'
handle - steering wheel
health meter - bathroom scales
hello work - job centre (unemployment office)
high miss - spinster
mansion - blocks of flats (apartment block)
minus driver - flat-head screwdriver (a Philips is a 'plus driver')
NG - No Good, used as opposite of OK
one piece - a dress
pair look - a couple wearing similar clothes
paper driver - someone who has a driving licence but never drives
pipe cut - a vasectomy
soap land - a brothel
viking - buffet
virgin road - aisle (in a church)
Many happy returns

FRI 12 MAY

Happy Birthday Mum!

How to make a Happy Cat

WEDS 10 MAY

Right from the off, I should perhaps make it clear that there are several stages you have to go through before you reach 'Happy Cat' and many, if not all, of these aren't very jolly.

When you are a very fluffy cat the impending months of excruciatingly high temperatures and sapping humidity could well fill you with a sense of dread. The time has come for a haircut.

If you've never given a cat a haircut before, take note. You will need to engage no fewer than two people. One should be the stylist, and all spare operatives should be briefed simply 'to restrain'. Your cat may now surprise you with a broad and colourful vocabulary. Once your cat is fully trimmed, and released, it will retire to the furthest point in the house and a period of sulking will ensue, which will return a semblance of peace to the house.

Now, our cat realised quite quickly that it was in fact much more comfortable, and forgave us within half an hour. Your mileage may vary.

After the trauma, life will soon return to normal with your happier, smaller cat.

The failure of universal suffrage

TUES 9 MAY

Many suffered and died in order that (almost) every British citizen can have a voice, and can vote in a general election. And they suffered and died in vain, I say. Because a lot of people are just too stupid to be left alone with a pair of scissors, let alone a vote.

In the current media-stoked and completely pointless debate about whether Teflon Tony should announce when he is going to step down, the BBC News website ran a page where every Jack and Jill with internet access was welcome to leave an opinion, no matter how irrelevant or malformed.

Over 30 pages of nonsense which just proved that a worryingly high number of people who are likely to be exercised to vote actually have no idea what they're doing, who they're voting for or why, what the issues are, or even how the system works.

"Labour MPs remember - we voted for Blair and do not want Brown" says a man from Chippenham. Did you know that the Prime Minister's constituency was in Wiltshire? No, nor me, I thought Sedgefield was in Durham.
"How can a country end up with an unelected head??" demands another, failing to grasp either how the public elects its representatives and parties elect their leaders.
"He should stand down now so we can have a general election," says another, though without clarifying why he thinks these two events would be connected. And many state the same, showing that people simply don't grasp the mechanics, despite having been shown exactly how it works in 1990 when the Tories ousted Thatcher.
"Resign now and let the people have their say!" Oh dear. Write out, 500 times, "I'm too daft to know the difference between a party leadership election and a general election".

How can such a number of people be so badly informed? I suspect the answer is the same one as to the question "How can The Sun be the highest-selling 'newspaper' in the country?"

"How to win without scoring" by Mr Sven Goran Eriksson

TUES 9 MAY

With 4 weeks to go until the start of the World Cup, Sven's named his men. And he's finally proved that beneath that dull, unexcitable exterior beats the heart of a stand-up comedian.

Let's just look at the selected front line, shall we? There's of course Wayne Rooney. And his broken foot. Then there's Michael Owen. Whose foot hasn't yet properly mended from being broken. Then there's Peter Crouch. Not a phenomenal goal-scorer, but expect Sven to repeat that oft-heard mantra of Rafa's - "He gives us more options". And Theo Walcott. Who Sven admits he hasn't even seen play. And why hasn't he? Well, it doesn't help that young Theo hasn't actually played at all in nearly 6 months, since being transferred to Arsenal.

Is Sven taking the piss? Is he being deliberately spiteful? I think that fan who took out 'trauma insurance' against an early exit should start preparing himself. And I was so looking forward to the World Cup.

Back to work tomorrow

SUN 7 MAY

With the Golden Week holiday rapidly coming to a close, how to make the best of the rest of the holiday? You might not think that going along to see school sports in the rain would be a great choice for entertainment, but that just proves how wrong you can be, doesn't it.

Besides, when we set off, it wasn't raining. That only started, on cue, just as we paid for our tickets and were told there was no refund in the event of rain. But the Fujisakidai Stadium, across Ni no Maru Park from Kumamoto castle, has one small covered area, which most of us managed to huddle into, and only got occasionally wet when the wind changed direction.

And we were seeing day one of a three day tournament involving all the local high schools, so competition was fierce and the standard of play was incredibly high. In appalling weather, we saw Kumamoto Technical High School beat the Lutheran High School by a single run in the extra 10th inning, in a game which was as exciting if not more so than anything I'd seen in the recent World Baseball Classic.

And after the game, it was time to retire to Aspevig Manor to avail ourselves of cocktails, served in sumptuous surroundings by our genial host. Not forgetting, of course, the free naked lady.

Finally...

FRI 5 MAY

No longer will the neighbour see me at the back door, staring dolefully at the hideous concrete eyesore at the end of our garden, thinking "If only I could do something with that..."

Well we finally "did something with that", namely smashed it to pieces. Immensely satisfying.

Unfortunately my houseboy omitted to take a 'Before' picture, so instead we have a very poor artist's impression of what it used to look like. And after two days of spine-splitting slog, the finished article.

Lesson plans to make you cry

THURS 4 MAY

I used to work for a branch of a large school with a head office in another city, and a couple of times a week we gave super cheap lessons for all-comers. These actually ended up very difficult, as the students were invariably of very mixed proficiency levels, from absolute beginners with a few words, and upwards. 'Fortunately', head office imposed their own lesson plans, which were centred around a dialogue, and we then had to make a half hour lesson from this. These could be very strange lessons, but the dialogues usually kicked up some part of grammar or vocabulary that could be discussed, or the dialogue could be rewritten for alternative situations. Sometimes, however, we were at a loss. I share with you then two of my favourites which I recently uncovered.

Number one -
A: Can you understand the newspaper?
B: It depends.


Extra phrase!
It's up to you.
The door can be opened manually in case of emergency.
The minimalist sparseness of that masterpiece is in marked contrast to number two -
A: Since triangle A is similar to triangle C, and triangle B is similar to triangle C, it does not follow that triangle A is the same as triangle B. Did I make myself clear?
B: No, I'm afraid I don't understand.
A: You see, A can be the same as B, but it does not necessarily have to be.
B: Oh. I guess I understand now.
Yeah, just say that and he'll shut up. It's a tactic I'm sure many of my students are already familiar with.

Wasei Eigo

THURS 4 MAY

As the subject was broached in the previous post, I thought it might be fun to post up some 'Made in Japan' English, and see if you can decipher it. This, then, is aimed mainly at English speakers with little or no grounding in Japanese (who even so will probably be familiar with wasei eigo classics like 'salaryman' and 'walkman'). Here we go. (These would normally be written in katakana but I'll take it easy on you by writing them in roman script and anglicising them a bit.)
bottle keep
cm
g-pan
handle
health meter
hello work
high miss
mansion
minus driver
NG
one piece
pair look
paper driver
pipe cut
soap land
viking
virgin road
If you reckon you know any of those, email me and I'll tell you if you're right. I'll post the answers in a week or so.

How Golden Week works

THURS 4 MAY

I've explained before what Golden Week is, and now I shall explain how it works. Or at least how it works for me.

If you're Japanese, Golden Week is when you take your holiday. This and New Year are the two times a year when workers are allowed by their company to take time off and take a vacation or return to their home town. Obviously this is a generalisation, but it still works. For most employed folk, just the thought of time off work brings on dizzy spells, and in extreme cases, a nasty rash. So when Golden Week comes along, the masses rise and buy massively overpriced tickets (in the international currency of bodily appendages) to overcrowded tourist spots that were pleasantly quiet the week before.

At the end of this holiday, there is the famed U-Turn Rush. I had to explain to a student of mine that this isn't English and is in fact a fine example of wasei eigo (English created by the Japanese). Said student had used the phrase fully expecting me to understand it, as is usually case with wasei eigo, but as is also usually the case, I needed to have it explained to me. The U-Turn Rush is then when the returning hordes head back to the cities and jam up every possible form of transport. It creates havoc. It's uncomfortable and wastes a lot of time, usually an entire day, of an already short holiday. So with that cleared up, the student asked me, "Well, if that's not English, how do you say it in English?" At which I was stumped. I had to report that we simply don't, because we don't have the concept. People take their holidays whenever they like, I said, which spreads the burden both on companies and the transport system. The closest I could get was perhaps traffic jams on a bank holiday weekend.

So while most of the rest of Japan is getting just as stressed as it does when it's at work, I'm chilled charlie. When you ask people about their Golden Week plans, the smug ones, the happy ones, the relaxed ones, are the ones who have no plan at all and are going to be staying at home. And the Overoften household is part of this ever-expanding group.

That's not to say that all has been idle chez nous. Far from it. For this week has seen the remodelling of the garden. First job yesterday, with the help of the indispensible Hashimura-san, was breaking up and removing the huge slab of concrete that blighted the far end of the garden. With that done, and a tree planted (a generous gift from H-san) just to really hammer the point home, all that remained today was to extend the path and finish the flower bed. Photographs of this feat tomorrow, as the sun had faded by the time these tired but happy gardeners finished up.

A cautionary tale

MON 1 MAY

Yes, that's me, learning life's lessons so that you don't have to.

I've tested my constitution over the years. My three brushes with virulent food poisoning (chicken, seafood, chicken curry - in that order, all pre-packaged and not cooked by me, I hasten to add) representing the extreme edge of the abuse I've inflicted on myself. But all that serves to make you stronger, doesn't it?

Well, those excesses of my bachelor years are long behind me. Marriage and its good living must have softened me up. And I found out by means of this delicious but dangerous dish - marinated pork belly. Having stewed in a mixture of soy sauce, mirin, dark sugar and other seasonings for a while, it's incredibly rich, as well as already being very fatty, and the whole thing just melts in your mouth.

As any connoisseur will tell you, a single slice is probably quite enough. Got that? A single slice. So three would be considered pure gluttony. Which is a sin. And which will probably come back to keep you otherwise occupied for a couple of hours in the middle of the night when you'd much rather be sleeping than Talking to Bill.

So that's May off to a cracking start.



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