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It happened in... September That's the way to do it FRI 29 SEPTEMBER Liverpool 3 Galatasaray 2 Remember when Peter Crouch did this? Didn't meet with a great degree of success. Nearly went out for a throw-in, in fact. Well, it turns out he was actually trying to do this - I get it now, Peter. No sex English please, we're British Japanese THURS 28 SEPTEMBER Amid claims of a desire to reform education, Japan's new education minister Bummei Ibuki, made it clear yesterday that this does not include introducing English language as a mandatory subject at elementary level, voicing his opposition to a plan tabled by the Central Education Council. "I do not see the necessity at all," the minister of education, culture, sports, science and technology told reporters. "There is no use studying English unless children speak beautiful Japanese." Here is a 'veteran' minister, in charge of education, apparently voicing the opinion in all seriousness that learning a second language is damaging to first language acquisition. It's long been proven by those working in the field of child education that exactly the opposite is true, and from personal experience I can certainly confirm that learning foreign languages has led to a deeper understanding and appreciation of my own. I don't recall the exact details of the CEC's plan, but it doesn't even amount to more than one hour a week of English tuition, which in itself isn't going to be terribly effective anyway. Perhaps then the minister is correct, depending on his motivation. "I'm concerned that elementary schools are not teaching children what they are supposed to," he said, making it clear that English should be way down on the list of Japan's schools' priority lists, despite a poll taken by ministry earlier this year, which showed that nearly 55% of people "agreed with English at the elementary school level, while 40% percent were opposed." The opposition to English seems to come from a perception in certain quarters that it represents some sort of vague linguistic threat, as a recent Nikkei Shimbun piece put it, Japanese "being surrounded by metastasizing English" and the fact that the National Institute for Japanese Language had compiled a list of native words to replace loan words (à l'Académie Française), was some sort of proof of the 'danger'. English as a cancerous growth? Goodness. Anyone who's tried to get on in Japan without any Japanese would be amused by that outlandish assertion. And yet, I agree with the minister, although for completely different reasons from his. If English were to be taught mandatorily in elementary schools the way it is taught in secondary schools (and for only one hour a week), it would indeed be a complete waste of time. English education in state schools needs a shake up. The fact that students can leave school after a minimum of 6 years of English tuition and not be able to speak and be understood in English is widely accepted as inevitable, rather than an embarrassing proof of the inadequacy of a system that allows (some) teachers who speak little or no English to teach the language. English material is often still transcribed in katakana, ensuring that any pronunciation the student might pick up will be wholly Japanese. Whole swathes of badly translated text and forced, unnatural dialogue are learned by rote for exams and speaking competitions, which completely ignores any role English might have as a living, changing language. If the Abe government is serious about education reform, it needs to look at why they bother to have English in schools at all. With those on the right pushing a more and more isolationist stance for Japan in the world ("Patriotic Education!"), they need to consider whether they need badly taught English. In reality, with an eye on the future, Chinese is probably of equal importance, if not more, but try suggesting that at the top levels of government. Remember too that the Fundamental Law on Education hasn't been changed since it came into being in 1947. Change is a slow-paced animal in Japan, and conservative delaying tactics often mean calls for reform falling out of the public eye and being forgotten. And Mr Abe's new Education Minister doesn't sound like a terribly progressive or reform-minded type. Jun-kun has left the building MON 25 SEPTEMBER The "post-Koizumi" era, to borrow a much-overused phrase from the Japanese media, has truly begun. The longest-serving Japanese Prime Minister in my lifetime left this morning. And although he left by the front door amid smiles and bouquets, it will be interesting to see whether the media will now be consumed by the analysis of his legacy, or whether he'll slip out of mind like last week's fad. Charismatic Koizumi's reign will be remembered for its reformist flavour. Japan Post is to be broken up and privatised, much to the chagrin of those around him who have always had an eye on the Post Office with its centralised pot of trillions within easy dipping distance. Much has been made of the 'transformation' of government too. And the fact that the economy is finally beginning to drag itself out of its decade-long slump. But all these changes are in the initial stages, and it remains to be seen if they will continue or not during the Abe tenure. So domestically, it's been more than conservative Japan might've initially expected from a government which seldom changes. But the Koizumi years will also be remembered for international issues. The decision to send troops to Iraq was a highly unpopular one. And Japan's diplomatic relations with China and Korea are at their lowest point in recent times, for many reasons, among which was Koizumi's insistence on making widely publicised visits to Yasukuni shrine. China say that Abe starts "with a fresh sheet", so one can only hope he doesn't sully it over Yasukuni, which he has, rather worryingly, refused to state his position on when pressed on the issue again. As well as naming his cabinet today, Abe has also set out the policies he'll be pursuing. Among them, the most eye-catching are (from Kyodo) - aim to establish a new Constitution in about five years; - reform the tax system drastically, including raising the consumption tax in fiscal 2009; - make efforts to resume summit talks with China and South Korea; consider setting up a post of state minister in charge of the issue of Japanese nationals abducted by North Korea; - revise drastically a pending bill to reform the Social Insurance Agency and consider resubmitting it to the Diet; - consider setting up an education voucher system to open up students' options in choosing schools, a system requiring periodic updating of teachers' licenses to shut out problematic teachers; establish a council to promote education reform directly under the prime minister; His plans for education look interesting, as the system is in need of drastic reform. Although one rather sinister-sounding pledge is for "patriotic education" - a phrase which has been interpreted as meaning anything from simply pushing self-sacrifice and conformism on the youth (which, according to the traditional Right refrain, is getting selfish), to dodgy history revisionism, to a plan to root out liberal and left-wing teachers. Who knows. Either way, seems ridiculous to burden teachers with the task of teaching something essentially unteachable. Teaching kids to 'be proud'? That's nothing other than indoctrination. But because of the lack of detail in this and the other pledges it's difficult to know at this stage whether these reforms are likely to go far enough, too far, or even in the right direction. He may always have been Koizumi's Chosen One, but a significant percentage of his own party and of the voters are unsure of his leadership skills and his ability to do the job. The honeymoon period, then, is unlikely to last long. Hat-trick for Team Europe MON 25 SEPTEMBER Ryder Cup: K Club, Co. Kildare, Ireland; Europe 18½, USA 9½ Same crushing result as 2004 and that's an unprecedented 3 in a row for Europe. Leading 10-6 into the final day's singles, many were warning of that famous US comeback in 1999 from the same score to win by one point. But the Americans didn't put up the same fight as 7 years ago, and the Europeans were sinking putts from all over, taking the singles 8½ - 3½ to equal the European record final score set by Bernhard Langer's team last time round. Looking forward to Louisville, Kentucky 2008. I'm about to whip somebody's ass SAT 23 SEPTEMBER Fed up with your job? Are your colleagues or your boss getting on your nerves? You need some Internet Gold! Viewers of Ze Frank's The Show, a daily video log where "Ze thinks, so you don't have to", were treated to a stress-relieving musical number written by an (as yet) unknown chap called Ray, who wrote it for his daughter whose job was getting her down. Since the song's first appearance on the show, viewers have run with it and uploaded a ton of remixes, by far the best of which is by super Sports Racer Goose. So if you're more inclined to shake your ass than whip somebody else's, check out Goose's extended remix, and remember where you heard it first when it hits dancefloors around the world. Abduxploitation THURS 21 SEPTEMBER One of the international issues given regular and overly emotive treatment by the media in Japan is that of the abduction of Japanese citizens by agents of North Korea in the late 70s and early 80s. Estimated numbers vary, with some estimating as many as 70, but of the 16 recognised by the Japanese government, the story that's exploited for all its nationalist potential is the story of Yokota Megumi. Megumi was abducted from near her home in Niigata prefecture in 1977 shortly after her 13th birthday. North Korea officially stated that she committed suicide in 1994, and returned her remains to Japan. DNA tests, however, proved not only that they were not her remains, but were those of more than one person. Her family still believe she is alive and continue to appeal to the government for assistance in their search. This particular story is used like no other as a stick with which to beat North Korea, perhaps justifiably, perhaps not. Let's not forget that the issue here, as far as the government is concerned, is 16 people. And while to the families of each of these individuals, each is a tragedy, the whole story doesn't really compare to the Japanese abduction of Korean (and Chinese) citizens some 70 years ago which numbered in the many hundreds of thousands and has received no similar attention or recognition. (Historians estimate that some 200,000 women, mostly from Korea, were forced into sexual slavery, and even larger numbers into hard labour, including an estimated 10,000 Korean and Chinese, and Allied POWs put to work in the mines of the Aso Mining Company, the family business of, and once run by, the Japanese Foreign Minister Taro Aso. The subject has never been addressed by Aso or his family, or apparently those who elected him or selected him for high office.) David McNeill, of the Independent, and Japan Focus coordinator, points out that there are also many other much more pressing domestic issues that the media could focus on, but which for various reasons it doesn't. "Stories mentioning 'Yokota Megumi' carried in the Asahi Shimbun since 2001: 487 Stories mentioning 'smoker' and 'cancer' in the Asahi Shimbun since 2001: 24 [...] Stories on 'Yokota Megumi' carried in the Nikkei Net since 2001: 187 Stories on 'road accidents' carried in the Nikkei Net since 2001:8" But any issue connected with North Korea is a highly effective political media tool. So effective is it that inconsistencies in its portrayal seem not to be picked up. On the one hand, 'serious' coverage likes to show the country as a rising and dangerous enemy, as was seen in the recent furore over missile test launches by the North. More populist programming prefers to focus on the abject poverty (video link) of the country. The contradiction of the strident, potent threat on the one hand, and the defeated bankruptcy on the other goes unexamined, and these are accepted as the two somehow non-contradictory faces of North Korea. And now, newly-elected LDP leader Abe Shinzo has announced that he intends "to appoint a state minister in charge of the issue of Japanese nationals abducted by North Korea". (If ever proof were needed that Japan employs way too many civil servants, there it is. Perhaps Mr Abe has a long list of new ministerial post, including Minister for Bus Tardiness, or Minister for Burned Dinners. What will you call your minister?) Yesterday, Yokota Shigeru, Megumi's father, told the press, "I expect that we will see new moves and results on the issue with Mr Abe, whom we families of abduction victims have strong faith in. I want him to aim to achieve his pledge of completely resolving the abduction issue which he made during his campaign." Yes, he did make that pledge, didn't he. But alas Mr Yokota, I don't think it was for your benefit. Keeping your story in the headlines is not about resolving it, just as the War on Terror is not about winning it. Hope can indeed be a terrible thing. Let's overthrow the government WEDS 20 SEPTEMBER Mr Koizumi only has a few days left as PM of Japan. But the process of handing over his powers is going to be about as painless and unexciting as it could possibly be. It certainly won't result in any sort of change of government. Meanwhile in Britain, significant numbers of voices, including some close to him, are wondering whether perhaps it's time for Tony to go. In the politest way possible of course. No obligation. It would just be nice. All very non-committal. But the Thais are showing the way to do it. Fed up with the corruption of the Thaksin Shinawatra government, they've finally had enough. While the PM was away in New York, the army waded in and seized control of the state in a coup. Coups in Thailand used to be a fairly regular occurence, but not so in the last 15 years. So today all central and regional governers are under orders to report to General Sonthi Boonyaratglin, martial law has been declared, the deputy prime minister is in army custody, and broadcasts of foreign news channels have been shut down, as have banks, schools and the stock market. The coup leaders stated that power is to be "given back to the people" as soon as possible and that they had "no intention of holding onto power". In February, after corruption allegations (but before an anti-government rally) Mr Thaksin called a general election, 3 years early. The 3 main opposition parties boycotted the election, but the government ignored the protest, and claimed victory (despite a huge protest vote) in the election. Thaksin then announced he would stand down. In May, the Constitutional Court ruled the election unconstitutional and demanded a re-run, and so an election was called for October. Meanwhile, Mr Thaksin decides he's changed his mind about stepping down, and steps back up. In July, the army has a clear-out of its mid-ranks of purported Thaksin supporters, paving the way, many believed, for last night's coup. So Tony, next time you decide to pop off to your villa in Tuscany, just think about that, eh. Safe and sound MON 18 SEPTEMBER Typhoon 13 might have caused havoc elsewhere but Kumamoto seems to have totally got away with it again. We hardly even had any rain, and the wind was never strong enough to worry about. The town's festival has been postponed though. Presumably the organisers would have spent yesterday preparing the route and were unable to, so all those pumped up festival-goers will have to wait until next month. And the horse will have to wait a little longer for his beer. Murray Walker's Law: Reprise SAT 16 SEPTEMBER My 'confident' claims that the typhoon season was over have been shown to be a little, er, rash. That little number (number 13, rather ominously) is due to arrive tomorrow night or the morning after, just in time for the public holiday on Monday (Respect the Aged day). It's also a huge Autumn festival this week culminating in a massive all-day parade through the city on Monday. The thousands taking part have been practising for months for this. This is the famous 'Drunken Horse festival', so they are of course certifiable - dancing around, drinking, carrying floats and huge drums around all day in the heat and humidity. I just wonder whether that extends to taking on typhoon winds and rain. KitKat latest SAT 16 SEPTEMBER Autumn is nearly upon us, and in with the change of season comes KitKat novelty of course. First up at elevenses was "Nasu Kougen Miruku" (Nasu Highland milk). It's a white one, but fret not. Not white in the usual cloyingly sweet sense of white chocolate. Not white in the "I'm gonna be tasting that for the next few hours" sense of white chocolate. The panel decided that it's really not so very different from milk chocolate, and that in a blind test, you might be fooled. Not at all bad, and what's more it comes in an attractive Spotty Cow design box. Then there was KitKat Bitter. You might remember KitKat Mild Bitter. Unsurprisingly, then, this one's more hardcore. The box boasts "High Grade Cacaomass" - it's about 60% cocoa solids. A definite after dinner with espresso KitKat. There's another new release out there, but I haven't tracked it down yet. Stay tuned. Stage 1 - now complete SAT 16 SEPTEMBER My, what a busy week it's been. The highlights though, the bits that got me childishly excited were the arrival of our meishi (business cards) and then the arrival of the nice man to put up the big letters in our front window. So the face that we present to the public is now finished, all the little jobs done (although Mrs C is careful never to say never). Now all we have to do is go out and manhandle people in through the front door. Reading between the lies FRI 15 SEPTEMBER I regularly browse through the headlines on Crisscross Japan News (used to be Japan Today). Not with any great hope of finding insightful journalism, as the articles are predominantly poorly written, and a large percentage of the articles are merely commercials dressed up (sometimes not even disguised) as news items. It also has a comments section that has to be the repository of the most poorly-informed, most bitter teenage vitriol on the net. This morning a particular headline caught my eye - "Halloween season kicks off early". Season? Halloween's not a season! It's the night before All Souls, people - hence the name. So immediately my "advert" alarm started ringing. What they're talking about is of course the commercial Halloween season (i.e. the fact that the shops are now filling up with plastic Halloween tat.) The 'article' is itself a completely undisguised advert for Tokyo Disney. But it goes on to lie say - "Halloween has recently become very popular in Japan..." Oh really? Very popular with the public, is it? "...with confectionery shops selling Halloween candies, and toy shops selling goods with ghostly themes. In previous years, retailers began their campaigns on Oct 1, but this year is the first time that Halloween celebrations have begun so early." Hang on. No mention of public popularity yet. Just shops and retailers... Even those "celebrations" mentioned only refer to the shop displays. "Trick or treating, though, has not yet caught on." Ah, so it's not popular then? It's just that Japanese retailers have imported a Western festival, stripped the original meaning, and are desperately attempting to sell it to an indifferent Japanese public. Just as happened with Valentine's Day and Christmas, both of which have been mangled into something unrecognisable by those selling it. For further examples of serving adverts as news, check out the 'Business' section with its headlines like "IKEA to open 2nd store in Yokohama on Friday", "Mitsubishi Motors launches new eK Wagon & eK Sport" and "Softbank starts selling cell phone packaged with iPod nano". Murray Walker's Law: Never say, "It's going surprisingly smoothly, isn't it!" THURS 14 SEPTEMBER This'll make you green with envy. I spent the entire day yesterday doing something I love - having my time wasted by morons with single-digit IQs. It was fab. First moron (M1) up to bat was our internet service provider. Our internet connection at the school was playing up. The system tray said we were connected, and various non-browser bits of software detected the connection and could, for example, download updates. So we were definitely connected. But neither of the browsers installed could do what they had been doing all of the previous day, namely access the internet. So neither browser individually could have been awry as both were separately saying the similar things. So, I guessed it had to be some sort of settings problem. But the OS is in Japanese. And here's where our problem really starts. Mrs C, as you might know, speaks very good Japanese, but fears computers as alien technology. I can work my way around a computer but speak Japanese like a Ukrainian. This puts us at the mercy of idiots on the end of a phone. Enter our friend, M1. So we went through the usual. "Switch it off and switch it on again." Good, yes, I haven't already done that several times, of course. Uninstall and reinstall the ISP's software. Again, done that. Unfortunately ISPMonkey M1 has no idea of troubleshooting, and rather than listen to the symptoms and decide the cause, he's already grasping at causes and working backwards. Very much backwards. It might be a problem with the cable, he says. No it isn't - we're connected, I say. Is your modem switched on, he asks? After mashing my face into the table, I repeat "We - are - connected." Perhaps go into Internet Explorer and clear your cookies? WHAT!? GET THIS IDIOT OFF MY PHONE! Bear in mind also that our ISP's helpline's operating hours begin at midday, but once we'd finally got someone on the phone, for the best part of two hours, we couldn't get him off the phone - he kept putting us on hold and disappearing, presumably to find someone more au fait with the arcane dark arts of konpyuutaa. So we're well into the afternoon by now. And now the software can't even detect our profile, so we're worse off than we were to start with. When M1 started asking what make the computer was, and saying that perhaps we should have a word with the manufacturer, we finally decided enough was enough. The thing is this. In Japanese service industries, it's forbidden to say "Wakarimasen." ("I don't know.") in answer to a customer query. This is not seen as 'helpful'. So instead of admitting clearly and quickly that you can't assist and allowing the customer to quickly pursue other avenues of enquiry, you must instead suck your teeth, push out your lips, mutter, "Cho-ttooooooo..." and cock your head. Leave a silent pause of five seconds or more and then go and rope in further members of staff programmed for the same response, ensuring that you waste as much of the customer's time as possible. Ask in a department store if they sell product X... it'll end five minutes later with you surrounded by a team of puzzled staff members looking at each other inquisitively, and one finally suggesting that you might try looking in the... Except that now they're only talking to Mrs C, cos I've long ago walked away and started looking for myself. When I ask "Do you know if you sell X?", I really mean the bit about "Do you know...?" It's a Yes or No question. Don't waste my time. Well, it didn't end there. Next was our katingu shiiru ("cutting seal" - wasei eigo for those adhesive plastic lettering signs you see in shop windows). Enter second moron (M2). We'd got several quotes, rejected the first as too expensive and were pursuing the second. M2 phoned us to say that they'd received our fax, they could maybe cobble something together within a week, but were unsure that they had the font that we required for the letters. A design company didn't have one of the most commonly used fonts in the world. And couldn't think to simply download it from one of the thousands of sites where it's available on the net. Mrs C came and told me they wanted us to "email the design to them". (Email... right. For which you need internet access.) Email it? If they haven't got the font, how would that help? And if they're just going to enlarge our 2 inch by 4 inch picture to 1 metre by 2 metres... By now my legendary patience... was wearing thin. I threw their fax in the bin. Instead we closed up and went to visit the third company. They sat us down with our design, quietly totted up the number of letters and came to a price far below the others. The designer said her Mac might not have the font but even if not, she'd just make it herself. We asked if they could come and fix it up, and they apologised for adding a derisory amount for the service. They fetched a map for us to point out where they should go, and they said "Right. See you tomorrow if it's not raining." And that was it. It took five minutes. And we left happy. In comparison to the rest of the day, inordinately happy. Le beaujolais nouveau va arriver! TUES 12 SEPTEMBER They might only just have started harvesting the grapes in France, but I've spotted the first signs in Japan. The Japanese are revving up for the short-lived excitement of overpriced mediocre wine. The Beaujolais Nouveau phenomenon began (according to intowine.com) "in the local bars, cafes, and bistros of Beaujolais and Lyons. Each fall the new Beaujolais would arrive with much fanfare. In pitchers filled from the growers barrels, wine was drunk by an eager population. It was wine made fast to drink while the better Beaujolais was taking a more leisurely course." But this stopgap, described by French wine critic François Mauss as "not a proper wine at all, but rather a slightly fermented and alcoholic fruit juice" and by Lyon Mag three years ago as "vin de merde", is now massive in Japan. Much is often made of the Japanese weakness for fads, and this one is very revealing of how culturally removed Europe and Japan are. The Japanese love Beaujolais Nouveau for a number of reasons. It taps into their love of anything remotely 'seasonal'. In a survey last year, 37.1% of the 5519 respondents, when asked why they would be partaking, answered "because I want to experience the season". It's also meant to be drunk a little colder. And the Japanese cool all red wine the same as they do the whites, to the point where most of the flavour is masked by the chill. (If you like a bit of red, don't order it in a restaurant in Japan. You won't be able to taste it.) And perhaps because it represents an easy, arms-length bite of European chic without any need to engage with or know about anything remotely foreign. And so the Japanese are prepared to fork out vintage prices for bargain bucket booze. This year's ubiquitous Georges Duboeuf offerings will be starting at around the £15 or 20 mark. Duboeuf, who apparently controls between 15 and 20% of all Beaujolais production, latched onto Japan when Europe started to turn away from nouveau, and it's unlikely he'll be leaving any time soon, with the Japan market now accounting for nearly 30% of the entire nouveau export (in 2002, 7,100,000 bottles of the 25,500,000 exported). And producers and promoters like Duboeuf know they have a while before the market catches on. In the aforementioned survey, when asked "What are the important points when you are buying Beaujolais Nouveau?", a full 27% plumped for "label design" while nearly 10% admitted to choosing according to "region of production". While the nouveau season is not as big in Europe as it was, the producers are still pushing it for all its worth, not on the basis of the wine itself, but for 'the occasion'. Younger Europeans are being sold the idea that this is a wine you can party with, with no need for delicacy or restraint. It's an 'uncomplex little number' so you can gulp as greedily as you like. (Particularly as they've got vats of it to offload, so drink as much as you can or it'll just have to be turned into vinegar.) It's a wine, therefore, without pretensions. Someone then needs to pass this info on to the Japanese consumers, who are asked to buy it at hugely inflated sums, and treat it as something to be revered and savoured. Not only has it been known to be served in restaurants in thimble-like glasses, it's also often seen gathering dust like a vintage on a shop shelf when its year is but a distant memory. I was given a bottle here last year, and it was a very cheerful plonk indeed. Not a 'grand vin' by any stretch of the palate (which honestly would be wasted on me anyway). And I wouldn't smack someone for giving another bottle this year. I just hope that they're not hyped into clearing out their wallet in order to do it. From the "Recent search keywords" vault TUES 12 SEPTEMBER Several caught my eye this month. One of the visitors to the site was guided here when searching "Prince Akishino and Princess Kiko's phone number". Presumably to offer his congratulations on the birth of their son (who's to be called Hisahito, by the way). Unfortunately I'm not a repository of the Imperial family's phone book, so he won't have found much help here. There were the regulars, of course. "Anna Suzuki Miniskirt Police" - the rarely clad Ms Suzuki is the new Mrs Hard Gay, you will remember - and "tips on buying rubber catsuits", which turns up so regularly it leads me to wonder if it might be worth my while to actually buy some in at wholesale prices. By far the oddest though was "furisode addiction" - furisode are the special formal kimonos worn by single women, usually on 'Coming of Age Day' but also sometimes at weddings and other formal occasions- the especially long sleeves traditionally serve to denote she is available for marriage. They can also cost hundreds of thousands of yen, so such an addiction would be a costly fetish indeed. Preparing for power TUES 12 SEPTEMBER Chief Cabinet Secretary Shinzo Abe has been putting it off and putting it off. But pretty soon he's going to be Prime Minister, and then the time will have come - he's going to have to learn English. He's evidently been shying away from it until he deemed it absolutely necessary. If you visit his strangely funky website you'll get led to another page that declares, in English, We will try to add English contents to this site in future. Please wait for English contents. Presumably, please wait until I'm Prime Minister. Clicking on the Union flag will take you to a page whose URL starts http://newleader.s-abe.or.jp/ There's confidence for you. Except the URL continues... ...wellcom-to-shinzo-abe-s-officeal-site?set_language=en Listen, Mr Abe. I can do you a very favourable rate on weekly lessons. I can even pick you up from the airport if you like. You just drop me a line and we'll sort you out, mate. What's in a name? SUN 10 SEPTEMBER Having made the decision to avoid most of the blanket media coverage of this week's royal birth, I realised this morning that, hey, I don't even know this kid's name! So I had a quick scan of online Japanese papers and found that that's because it's not going to be announced until Tuesday. But even when they announce their decision, it ain't going to be as simple as you might think. Take, for example, the Emperor's sons - Crown Prince Naruhito and Prince Akishino. When they were kids, they had the titles Prince Hiro and Prince Aya, which were only dropped when their father became Emperor. But as the Mainichi reveals, "Only the children of the Emperor and the Crown Prince are given childhood titles. Princess Aiko, the daughter of Crown Prince Naruhito and Crown Princess Masako, also has the title of Princess Toshi." It goes on to say - According to custom, the newborn Prince is highly likely to be given a name comprised of two Chinese characters with the second being "hito," like other male members of the Imperial Family, including the late Emperor Hirohito, Emperor Akihito, Crown Prince Naruhito and Prince Fumihito, the other name of Prince Akishino. I then went over to the Asahi Shimbun to see if they had anything else to add, and found that they did indeed have a spanner to jam in the works... A baby boy born Wednesday to Prince Fumihito and Princess Kiko is... Wait. Fumihito? There's that name again. This is Akishino they're talking about, right? How many names does this guy have? The Asahi uses that name throughout their article, but I've yet to work out the significance of one paper choosing one name over the other. It seems that this is indeed his given name but he's been referred to as Akishino since marrying Princess Kiko in 1990. At least though matters should be a little less confusing with the newborn prince. He's not the son of the Emperor or the Crown Prince, so there will only be one name. Probably. Still laughing at the same crap THURS 7 SEPTEMBER london.net hosted its first kids' lesson yesterday, and it perfectly illustrated the not-so-subtle differences between teaching adults and teaching kids. I had the kids do personalised pictures to put on the walls (which are still pretty bare and clean-looking) and explain them to me in English. They all chose to use the seasonal stencils I had and what a mixture that gave us. So what's this? "Christmas tree!" What season's that? "Winter!" Good. What's this? "Beach ball!" And this? "Ice cream?" So what season are they? "Summer!" And what's this brown thing here? "UNKO!" (a turd) The young gentleman in question then rolled back on the floor and roared with laughter. He really lost it. Who am I kidding... Had a bit of a myself. Omedetou gozaimasu! WEDS 6 SEPTEMBER It was announced just before 9 this morning that Princess Kiko has given birth to a baby boy. This will delight not only Royal-watchers around the country and the world, but also those who had been urging hesitation in the face of calls to revise the law on imperial succession, which allows only male heirs to assume the throne. Prince Akishino and Princess Kiko's son will be third in line after his uncle, Crown Prince Naruhito, and his father. And for info-freaks, the baby apparently weighed in at "2,558 grams". I have no idea what that means, but sounds like quite a large cake. (Actually it's just over 5 and a half pounds.) With any luck, this might also mean that tv will be just a little less vacuous for just one evening. (Edit: Perhaps not. At the moment, and this is only 15 minutes after the announcement, FujiTV has a highly animated pensioner in a linen suit reporting excitedly via videophone from "the very presses" that are about to start knocking out commemorative editions of some newspaper or other. Oh well. Have to work late tonight anyway.) london.net is GO! WEDS 6 SEPTEMBER Don't pronounce the "dot", people. It's not a website, it's Mashiki's newest business venture - an English school with native-speaker teacher, and kids' hand-made and imported fashion boutique. I daren't say the school and shop are ready, as it seems the list of jobs never ends, but we're hitting The List with more energy than I knew we had. And now that I've stretched and split my spine painted the kitchen, nothing's going to seem like too much effort. The school has averaged one new student a day since opening, and we're going to try to keep up that pace by racking our brains for new advertising ideas. We've been given free advertising (to 150,000 households, so they say) by a local magazine, which is going out next week, and after another bash at the local paper, we're going to start hitting the pavements to get the word out. The KitKat that nearly defeated me MON 4 SEPTEMBER How this one slipped my mind, I've no idea. This is the one that made me ponder, however briefly it might have been, the concept of "too much KitKat". The culprit is the KitKat Chunky Big Breaks, a KitKat even longer than its name, and I'm ashamed to say that even I had to take 2 sittings to finish this brute off. I can't see this one being released in Japan, as most Japanese people would run screaming from the shop the moment they clapped eyes on it. Evil Kitteh SUN 3 SEPTEMBER "[Cats] like these, and their allies, constitute an axis of evil..." The Sanrio world takeover bid continues. Now Kitty-chan has an airline, folks. As spotted at Fukuoka airport, Eva Air (in fact a Chinese airline not owned, even in part, by Hello Kitty or Dear Daniel) has a tastefully liveried Airbus. Note the little mouse on the engine. There is a full explanation, by Eva themselves, here. Calling a spade a tomato SUN 3 SEPTEMBER I often have no idea where to buy stuff in Japan. Don't laugh. Japan is the country where you drop off your phone bill at the convenience store and pick up your photos from the dry cleaners. And in giving me advice on this matter, locals often give me the name of a particular shop. And then recoil in disbelief when I return an unusually blank look. (NB: We're talking about conversations with girls here. Of course blokes don't do this). I never usually bother taking the blindest bit of notice of a shop's name. There are a few reasons for this. Firstly I can't bear shopping, and loading up my brain with shop names is an official 'misuse of resources'. Also I've only mastered the reading of about 100 of the 20,000 or so kanji, so many such names are lost on me anyway. But this is less important, because by far the majority of Japanese shops have non-Japanese names. And this is where the fun and games begin, as not a single one of these names is usually even slightly descriptive. My local supermarket is called Hello Green Every. Last night in the city centre I saw Love Love Global Kikuchi - which if you haven't already guessed is of course a fresh fruit shop. But the one that bugged me the longest is SoftBank, which has over the course of the last few years become massive. What with having the rather obvious word 'bank' in the name, I assumed it was another anonymous Japanese bank, and more or less ignored them until they took over the nearest baseball team, the Fukuoka Hawks, last year, and then took over when Vodafone bailed out of Japan earlier this year. I thought this was strange diversification for a bank. And I would've been safe from embarrassment if I'd kept quiet. Now why would anyone assume that a company called SoftBank should be a media and internet company? Anyway, they're big news in Japan now and are always looking to expand their New Japan portfolio, and thanks to the failings of Vodafone Japan, SoftBank are now entering the mobile phone arena. Which they are going to shake up and take by storm under the stirringly original and inspired name... SoftBank Mobile. And of course accompanied by their dazzling new logo as seen on the right. I'm excited. The future's bright dull. The future's orange grey. EFL teacher in "Unused to hard work" shocker! SAT 2 SEPTEMBER We didn't manage to get the school/shop open yesterday. Instead we spent the day playing with power tools and shopping for things we (for which you should read "I") didn't know we needed. Remember how I used to complain that I wanted to be my own boss because I was fed up working 12-hour days? Let's face it - I wasn't actually 'working' 12 hours, was I. Unlike now. But looking on the bright side (a phrase I've decided to write on a piece of paper which I now carry around with me lest I forget it), the jetlag seems to be fading. So I slept in until nearly 6 this morning ("...and wasted a quarter of the day, young man!") Eeh, luxury. So although we're still not officially ready to open, we're opening this morning. We're kind of bailing out the water rather than repairing the hole. But we're using a big bucket. So today's unofficial excitement includes a local reporter coming to interview us. Not from one of the bigger local papers (which is quite a contradiction in terms anyway), but even if we only hit a readership of 14 people 20 miles away, we're not paying for it, so I'm not complaining. For once. Then we have our first potential students coming for level checks before AND after lunch. It's a rollercoaster, folks. Try to hang on. Attempts will also be made today to take attractive travel-brochure-style photos of the last few days' hard work. Let's see how that turns out. Now I must go and iron my best Meeting-the-Press shirt. Back to August?